LET’S NOT FORGET ABOUT OUR SONS

Image Credit: Cottonbro studio

My feminism journey started very early in my childhood. Way before I even know what being a feminist is. I was this curious and confused little girl just trying to make sense of her world, with the intuition that things could be done differently for women. As a child, I used to ask many questions followed by why’s and “why not”? As many answers still didn’t make sense.

Feminism has allowed me to finally put words to some of my struggles and to find community with other women in the journey of unpacking, unlearning our conditioning and fighting for equal rights. However, though affirming my feminism had brought many benefits, I have also felt discomfort in my journey. I often failed to relate to mainstream feminism and felt like a movement I thought I belonged to failed me, a  black, African and former stayed-at-home mum. This discomfort grew bigger when I became a mother of a son. Because the feminist rhetorics I was familiar to back then centred their attacks on men with a strong focus on personal behaviour. I felt like the movement had already condemned my son even before he had a chance to live.

 Raisings a girl so far had been easy to me but a challenge for my boy. I had to be aware of my bias towards men and confront them so that it did not stand in the way of raising my son as a human being and not just as a future man or a potential oppressor. Even though I didn’t know how to articulate this back then, I knew intuitively that there was more to add to the conversation regarding gender dynamics and how we raise our kids in relation.

A NEW APPROACH TO POWER THAT IS NOT BINARY

Patriarchy benefits men as a collective. Let’s just state this as a starting point. The point of this text is not to get into the rhetoric of “Men suffer too” or “not all men” but instead to reflect on how our past systems have failed us all and what we could do better for futures generation as a collective.

There is a valid reason why the feminist movement has been reluctant to include men. The movement doesn’t want to shift away the attention from male privilege. Women’s oppression is a global pandemic that is still killing women. Years of the fight have yet to dismantle patriarchy, and there is always a risk that women's rights regress, as we’ve witnessed lately. Male privilege is real, insidious and creative as it reinvents itself with time. There is also the fact that men have not responded well to the movement. Some are supportive, and some are showing active opposition to the movement, which does not make it safer for women to include them.

As a student in psychology, I have learned that asking oppressed minorities to listen to their oppressor’s perspectives and have empathy toward them is like inflicting a double pain. It does not lead to more empathy from oppressed minorities. It instead has the opposite effect.

We witness a more positive outcome when opposing forces work together to achieve a bigger goal. Research over the past four decades has indicated that People who work together to achieve a common goal often break down subgroup distinctions as they become one larger group (Dovidio et al., 2004). And this is my hope for the future generation. To come together in a world in which it feels good to be just a human. A world free of hierarchy. A bit of idealism is needed more than ever.

EMBRACING HUMANISTIC PHILOSOPHY

But how do we create such world? This question has been a lot in my mind. I am not sure where the answer lies. But as I grow in my understanding of human complexity, I am also no longer interested in simplistic answers. Maybe the answer is not what is needed. Maybe what is required is to remain long enough in the questioning that we could shift our perspectives and create new dynamics and approach.

“There is the perspective that men oppress women. And there is the perspective that people are people, and we are all hurt by rigid sex roles; these two coexist” bell hooks.

 bell hooks have been a massive influence on my journey as a feminist. Her writing helped me put into words what I knew intuitively. She is the one who inspired me to think in terms of power dynamics and systems of oppression and not just feminism. She is also the one who inspired me to shift from feminist work to a larger goal. To focus on systems of oppression at large as we are all subject to harmful power, one way or another.

bell hooks' humanistic approach has inspired many reflections and made me think of myself as a humanist. She helped me find hope as a mother of a boy, knowing that men could be oppressed in the very system they created. She had me consider that ignoring the issue of men and their socialization within the patriarchal system may not be the most effective approach.

There is strong resistance to her perspective within the feminist movement. Many feminists reject her idea around creative power to achieve the end goal of equality. I have had countless conversations with other feminists disagreeing with bell hook’s views that feminism is for everybody and that men can, or even want, unlearn sexism.  

 Luckily, many other women are joining her.

“We need to tell men we love them and believe in them” Chloe Valdary

“The biggest lie is that the fight to address male suffering is separate or at odds with the battle to liberate women. We all experience gender. We are all limited by oppressive gender stereotypes.” Lizz Plank

 This gives me hope and makes me feel less lonely

“With love, always”

— Rachel-Diane EPOUPA